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NameEntry
Angela MinardSigned on: Sun 20 May 2007 18:31:29 EST
The Shadow On The Wall 
 
The shadows on the wall 
 
Dark and tall 
 
I feel so small 
 
Unable to scream at all 
 
 
 
The shadows on the wall 
 
Growing, looming 
 
Laughing, dancing with glee 
 
I don't want to look 
 
Don't make me see 
 
 
 
The shadows on the wall 
 
A lamp, a tree 
 
Not bodies breathing over me 
 
A gentle man sleeps next to me 
 
They are just the shadows on the wall 
 
Angela MinardSigned on: Sun 20 May 2007 18:29:53 EST
Aftermath 
 
I walk to the edge of the glistening water. Stars shimmer on the surface of the midnight water as I stand there shivering in the whispering arms of warm air.  
Bile rises in my throat.  
Oh please, Oh please.  
I bow my head and let the water take over like soft, dark velvet, and then, only then...can I scream. 
 
Angela MinardSigned on: Sun 20 May 2007 18:29:16 EST
This is one of the first poems that I wrote about my rape. 
 
A Childs Prayer To Herself 
 
Oh God! I can’t breathe! I can’t breathe!  
Please help me, someone help me.  
I’m sorry, so sorry.  
Please hear me! Please make it stop! 
 
I still hear my voice.  
Silent screaming in my head. 
Pulsing, throbbing, my mind going dead. 
 
I tell myself; just fly away, fly away, we'll be okay. 
Stand up! Clean it up!  
Pick your soul up off the floor.  
Close this door.  
Never let them in again.  
Never again! 
 
Our soul is clean.  
We flew away, we flew away, so far away.  
So now you need to take her hand.  
Tell her they will understand.  
She was just a little girl.  
You were just a little girl.  
Close the door and fly away. 
 
Angela MinardSigned on: Sun 20 May 2007 18:28:38 EST
I was raped when I was eleven years old by two teen aged boys. My parents were divorced and I was visiting my Dad for the summer. My dad didn't have room for us in his apartment, so he had rented the apartment below him for my brother, step-brother and sister(who were in their late teens) and I to stay in. My step brother and sister had a party one night and two young men came into my bedroom. One held me down and then the other as they took turns. I am 40 years old, and I never told anyone until this year when I started seeing a therapist. I've suffered with anorexia for half of my life, and am just now beginning to heal. Writing poetry and journaling my feelings has really helped me, and also the support of my family and a great therapist.
Sam_i_amSigned on: Sun 20 May 2007 18:24:15 EST
My name's not really Sam... it's Carole. I'm 55 years old. I've been searching for answers, for understanding, for a cure for so long through so many different websites and used so many different surnames because I didn't want anyone to know who I am... I don't even really know who I am... I'm Carole, I'm a 55 year old survivor of sexual abuse/physical & emotional abuse. This is probably going to end up being a long story, one not unfamiliar to many. I think I've told the story before, I'm not sure in how much detail though. But I'm SO tired of feeling lost, wrong, sad, like I don't belong.  
 
I grew up in a home with an alcoholic/bipolar violent mother. My father left us when I was 4-5 years old. My mother, my older brother and I lived in France because my mother was french and when my father (American soldier) abandoned us we lived in France at the time. My brother and I were born in the States though. Not that that's important... My mother didn't really work. She was a waitress at a bar, but drank more than she made and often brought men home to exchange sex for money. There were a lot of men coming and going into our home in those days. But it wasn't until my mother met my stepfather that the molestation began. I was around 5 or 6 at the time. We were very poor, my father didn't send much money to support us and what money came into the house was usually spent on booze. So when our prospective stepfather came into the picture and was "oh so nice" and bought us ice cream and took us places, I really gave a lot of my emotions to him because I trusted him... Then one night, before they were married, my mother was at the bar and he was "babysitting" us. It was bedtime. I called out for a glass of water. I didn't get an answer and I began to fall asleep. I was roused out of my sleep by this man's hands on my body. He first started to touch me from behind, then he rolled me over. I kept pretending to be asleep because I didn't know what else to do. I just knew I felt sick to my stomach, as I do now, telling about it. When he was done touching me, he whispered in my ear, "do you still want your glass of water?" Then he left the room and I rolled back over onto my stomach and cried myself softly to sleep. That was the beginning of my sexual abuse. I've never gotten over it. I'm not whole. I'm not "bad" in a way that I can't function in life. I was married at 18 for 14 years to a very abusive man. He just repeated what my stepfather and mother did. But I have remarried and have been married now for almost 20 years to a good man. Not without fault and we went through a period of uncertainty which brought a lot of pain to the both of us, and we've gotten past that part of life, but I'm hurting inside and I don't know how to fix me. I have started therapy (again) and I'm on Celexa and Xanax. I found this website and thought it was time to be open about myself if I want to heal. There are so many courageous people here who sound very supporting.  
Thank you for reading me. I'm not going to proofread this, I don't think I can, so please forgive any mistakes I've made. 
Carole 
P.S. WhiteDove, thank you for creating this website.
Admin's Comment: (((hugs))))
Teresa LongmoreSigned on: Thu 10 May 2007 17:56:42 EST
Dear Kate (Fri 09 Mar 2007) 
I read your story and feel deeply for you. If you ever need to talk or write, I am here for you, with no motive accept to help another survivor through this pain. Keep your brave head up, sweetie. You are cared about and I send you vibrations of love and compassion. Teresa. (email available)
JasonSigned on: Sat 05 May 2007 15:25:56 EST
I wrote this, hopefully to help anyone that will need it. 
 
The Modern End 
 
 
I control it,  
I destroy it. 
 
Take this control you hold 
Take this destruction you behold 
 
That was… 
 
Misdirected  
Manifested 
 
Destiny of my own. 
A god of my myself. 
A life of my own. 
 
I will no longer pursue your dark command 
I will no longer bow to your ignorant wrath 
 
 
I have twisted my love for you into my hatred  
I have twisted my hatred for you into my fuel 
I have became this. 
 
Before you I stand the principle of love made flesh 
To rejoice at the time of your death 
Reborn to present justice to the world of the simple minded 
For your fundamental twisted life has already been decided. 
 
 
 
The anger in your voice, the flare in your eyes. 
Are but toys  
 
....Will never accept… 
 
Say it …  
Do it … 
Wreath the hatred! 
Lie to me! 
Steal from me! 
Cloud your moral foundation of life to bring my demise… 
I am the subtractive force to your efforts… 
 
...You don’t need to…. 
 
 
Lets talk about generosity 
Lets talk about all the lies I see 
In ten years where will I be? 
In ten years I will be me. I will be my own god. 
My ideals are not for you to see 
I live by my own moral deed. 
 
I rejoice in The Modern End of what was. Only essence of ((your name here)) remains. 
 
This is a poem to help everyone realize that they are the center of there own universe. And though reason, and building there own foundation, nothing can stop or bring you down. Learn from the pain, and deliver only understanding and happiness to everyone around you. By projecting your own build fundamental reasoning on everything around you; then you will always remain in control of your life and feelings of it.
DanaSigned on: Sat 28 Apr 2007 15:15:54 EST
i am 25, and i have had a very craxy life thus far. It all started when i was about 6 or 7 my cousin made me do things to him and at the time i thought nothing of it....Then when i was about 12 i was at a friends house and her father molested me, i can remember every little detail, i can remember hot hot it was outside that night and how i wanted to run but could not make my legs move, and how his whiskers felt across my face. he did this the first time outside, i remember i could not sleep at all that night, i was afraid he was going to come downstairs....i remember staring at the light in the kitchen all night.Well he came down in the morning and started rubbing my stomach under my shirt so i rolled over on my stomach so he rubbed my back instead, and thank the lord his daughter woke up. she was sleeping right beside me....i really think he was doing things to her as well, but i never asked her, i really wish i wold have.well any way i remember on the way home his daughter wanted to come with him and he said no so it was just me and him......well we were almost home and he started rubbing the inside of my legs saying things like you have a really beautiful body.....i was frozen.....i just sat there..well he stopped off at my grandmas house cause it was halloween and i went in and i remember hugging her sooooo tight...i wanted to say right there what he was doing but the words would not come out.i did not want to let go of her....but i did...got back in the car and he took a mile down the road to my house. Well when we go there he visited with my dad forever...i got in the shower the second i got home and cried. i just layed on the floor of the shower and cried till i was exhausted....when i came out he was still there. 
well i got up the nerve to confide in a friend of mine and she went and told the guidance counceler who in turn told my dad,his exact words were "what do you want me to do about it" 
and "we are not going to tell your mom" she still has no clue to this day and my dad is still friends with the man 
well that sent me into a spirial of who knows what,i started messing around with my cousins, and random people, and i was cutting myself every night almost.and crying till i fell asleep.....In 9th grade i had a steady boyfriend and we fooled around as well....the whole time inside my head was screaming leave me alone...but nothing ever came out.....in 12th grade i let a random stranger into the house knowing full well what he came for.....and still i said nothing...... 
well soon after that i met my husband.....at first he was just another guy....but he was different, he did not want to have sex he was waiting till marriage...... this time i was doing the forcing.........and i wound up pregnant....We got married shorty after i found out i was pregnant and i am sooooo thankfull for him.....but here is our problem....ever since we got married i could care less about sex....i want nothing to do with it, he doesnt understand becasue i was all over him before we got married, and now i make excuses, and the strange part is i find it easier to get through it if i block him out......like i did all the others, but i don't want to do that, i want to enjoy him, and it is very hard to do so.....we have four kids and i want to be the best i can be for him......he is a wonderful husband and has been sooo patient this 7 years...
AlexSigned on: Sat 26 May 2007 16:32:52 EST
Thank You
Admin's Comment: No worries
Jenny MSigned on: Sat 21 Apr 2007 14:04:51 EST
THE WINGS 
 
When I was just a little girl, I learned how to fly. I flew through incredible lanscapes. I saw the sea, the mountains, and the countryside. In difficult situations, I extended my wings and went for a ride. From all that flying my wings became bigger than I. I am not able to control them anymore. When I least expect it they take me for a ride, and because of that I only see the world from the sky. I know it is time to get rid of them but I don't know how. They are like parts of my body. Besides, they have been of much use. If it wasn't for them I would be with the angels.
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