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| jenny | Signed on: Thu 26 May 2011 22:31:34 EST
Hi I'm jenny my story starts when I was 7yrs my dad started touching me he have me get naked and lay on his bed and he fondle me then he get naked too and that was the first time I ever saw a penis it was sooo big it almost scared me | | | | paolette coronel | Signed on: Thu 26 May 2011 22:32:57 EST
For me I have found that if I don’t deal with my problems they end up dealing with me. I have been going to therapy for about a year and half now. I also used the RAINN hotline on many occasions, as well as the online helpline. Most recently I started counseling at the Crisis Center of Tampa Bay. This is my story in a nutshell:
My biological father began sexually abusing and assaulting me at 7 years old and it went on until I left for college at 18 years old. In between those years I was sexually abused by a family friend at 12 years old, I told my parents and they believed me but, did nothing. The man who molested me lied when he was confronted by ironically my father and his family believed him. My parents continued to associate with his family on the premise that he had left town. That family said I was dressed provocatively that night and told me that because of me their family member had to leave town. They said I was a little liar who wanted attention. So needless to say my first experience telling about my sexual abuse did not go well. At 13 I began to consensually have sex with someone my age, my father found out and proceeded to beat me to the point where I had to go to the emergency room because of a ruptured eardrum. I then had to lie to the nurse at the emergency room because my mom said it was for the good of the family. This was my turning point because I began to realize I was my only protector and I had to actively defend myself if I wanted to be safe. So my teenage years consisted of a cat and mouse game where sometimes I would let my guard down and my father would inevitably sexually assault me again. I never told anyone because it started when I was so young that I subconsciously believed my father’s threats of hurting my mother or no one believing me.
Finally, I left my hometown and went off to college for freedom or so I thought. About a month before I was suppose to graduate nursing school is when I began having flashbacks and nightmares, it also the point where my life changed forever. I was able to pass my nursing curriculum despite my oncoming PTSD, however I was not able to pass my exit exam required to sit for my state boards. All of this I realize now was my subconscious attempt to self sabotage the new chapter in my life because my past would not let me move forward. It literally haunted me so I took a sabbatical and decided to take some to heal before my next attempt at my exit exam. In November of 2009 I decided to go home for a little while and try to heal in the home where I was broken. I had faith that my father had changed because he made me believe he was now docile and that age had tamed his angry side. On February 12, of 2010 my father sexually assaulted me again, in my sleep he came while no one else was home.
Three days later I told my mother the unthinkable and she did believe me. She kicked my father out of the house and he left asking no questions. The reason this transition went so smoothly is because my father was under the impression I was going to let it happen all over again. He believed this because for the first two days I was in shock and contemplated not telling, those two days after I was like a puppet and he was my puppet master except this time I could see him pulling the strings so methodically and calculated. As a child and teenager I did know anything but my home, as an adult I had been free for six years and had enough time to reboot the years of malicious brainwashing my father had begun at age 7 and continued to do for the next 17 years of my life. I lived my whole life just like those two days after I was assaulted as an adult. I’m still re teaching myself everything, because I was raised with a victim mentality. I have to fight to change all the damage that has been done little by little so that I don’t re victimize myself and inversely protect him. One of the counselors from the RAINN hotline told me to think of a traumatized brain as severely obese for my height and that it was going to take time to shed that weight off. I always think of this when I get inpatient with myself and the healing process.
On February 24th I reported my father to the police. That day I also contemplated suicide for the first time because I could not bear the reality of my reality. As you can read in the application I did not go through with it, one of the main reasons being the reality of keeping a secret for 17 years and then exposing it was too much to handle at that moment in time. I emancipated myself from my father and all his baggage. I changed my phone number and in April of 2010 I passed my exit exam and moved to Tampa. In August of that year I passed my state boards and found a job that September. That September I also spoke at a festival for Healing through Creativity a non-profit organization for all trauma survivors. I spoke about the hope for a normal life after years of incest and abuse. I spoke about how hard it was to fight for the normal life you always deserved and that the healing process had to be a conscious, self initiated choice. Another point I made was how hard yet, healthy it has been eradicating my father from my life. Since my father has been out of my life I have graduated nursing school, I got a job at my regional burn center, I am financially independent for the first time, and I started going back to school in January of 2011 to pursue my master’s degree in nursing. I have a boyfriend that I love and who supports me through everything. I have enhanced my relationships with all my close friends who all now know, and most importantly I have the best mother in the world who without I would have never known that good existed in this world and who never gave up on me. My younger sister is still coming around and supports me the best she knows how.
Speaking in front of others has brought me a whole new form of healing and empowerment. I view reaching out to others and telling my story as way for my suffering to not go in vein. I hope to continue to speak and give a voice to the silently community I know exists. I have talked to them online and in person. We exist and not just behind a key board or at your local crisis center support group.
Finally, this past Saturday on April, 16 2011 I attended Take Back the Night in Tampa where I live. The event was intended as part of sexual awareness month and it was a chance to speak out against sexual violence and to make the community aware of the problem. To end the event they had a survivor speak out where any survivor could speak for about 2-3 minutes. I went up there and spoke again, it felt great to shed a little bit more of stigma and shame and said I am an incest survivor; this is what I look like. I also said there was hope after years of abuse and they just needed to fight for what they life they have always deserved and of course my favorite never stop dreaming. I hope to continue to share my story and help fight this silent epidemic we are all fighting to give a louder voice to. | | | | BR | Signed on: Sat 26 Mar 2011 14:20:36 EST
After being told by my 4 & 6 year old granddaughters that "Daddy" was sexually abusing them, I decided to create this blog to channel my thoughts and feelings as I travel the journey through this nightmare. With any luck, my story and the information provided here might even help other families going through this and/or others that may be suffering through their own abuse in silence.
My story is on this blog:
http://sordidsecretsblog.blogspot.com/ | | | | Joanna | Signed on: Thu 24 Feb 2011 04:51:27 EST
A GIFT FOR MY DAD
I have a present to give to you dad
Its the guilt ive lived with, its made me so sad
I thought it was mine but now i can see
It was yours to carry for eternity
Ive carried that guilt right from the start
And slowly, its been breaking my heart
Ive lived with that guilt, but it was misplaced
It was all your fault, the truth must be faced
I know you wont keep it, you believe your own lies
Youve done nothing wrong in your own eyes
But do with the guilt whatever you may
I will not carry it for one more day
Its one less burden for me to bear
Im starting a new life, not that youd care
Next i'll rid myself of the shame
Ive already learnt i wasnt to blame
It wont be easy, youve made my life hard
I was just an object to use then discard
Youve ruined my life for way too long
Youre now in my past, thats where you belong
This poem is about my misplaced guilt. | | | | Joanna | Signed on: Thu 24 Feb 2011 04:50:52 EST
Living in fear - hope death is near
Battered and bruised - so confused
object of lust - self disgust
Happy Birthday,4 - child whore
Feeling like dirt - pain and hurt
Can never tell - living hell
Living a lie - want to die
Thoughts inside - suicide | | | | 67121 | Signed on: Thu 24 Feb 2011 04:49:10 EST
It happened my sophmore year of college, and to this day I regret not reporting it. I was living in a residence hall on campus, and it was pretty well known on campus that I was a lesbian, but that I was saving myself for marriage. I got a lot of flack for it, but in general, people respected my decision. one night, one of my friends came into my room. I was getting over a cold and didn't realize she was drunk. She insisted I come over and hang out, and I did. to spare you the details, she turned out not to be my friend, as in the space of the next 2 hours she and one of her art friends got me drunk, and then held/tied me to a bed, ripped my clothes, and hurt me. I was covered in brusises and cuts for weeks, and to this day i have a hard time making friends, trusting close friends, even loving/ returning love....and sometimes believing that love exists. So few people in my life know that this happened, and how brutal it was, espically when those I turned to for support denied it to me. It happened in the spring, and a sad reality is that I wake up often in the spring crying for a nightmare that someone is going to come an hurt me, that I will never feel love, and that anyone who loves me or tries to love me will ultimately hurt me. I wish that there was someone, and maybe someday there will be, but tonight i'm all alone, shaking from my nightmare, feeling myself crying inside. | | | | britt | Signed on: Sat 08 Jan 2011 05:21:25 EST
my name is brittany. my story is a bbit conplicated. i was sexually abused from when i was 3 till i was about 7, but i have no memory of it. i know its true becaus he kept a journel of what he did to me. i cant get a hold of it because cys has it. i have all the symptons of it. im on a lot of medication an have been on a unsucccesful road of therapy an medication but nothing help. i know its stems from that but it bother me i cant remember to start to heal. if anyone out there has had this situation an can offer me any help please email me *** id really appriciate it im at my witts end.
Admin's Comment: Try a good book called -
"Repressed Memories" by Renee Fredrickson PHD
Also couple of forums called
www.aftersilence.org
www.pandys.org | | | | Anonymous | Signed on: Sat 18 Sep 2010 01:50:26 EST
I have trouble remembering. I have blocked most of it out. The boyfriend/girlfriend game. That's what she called it. Yes, I was abused by a girl. Is that normal? I honestly don't know. She wAs only 2 years older. She touched. Caressed. Made me touch her. Is this only me? Is this considered abuse?I am scared.
Admin's Comment: Thanks for your story.
Any unwanted touch harms and hurts. I am sorry this happened to you.
It is normal to be scared. Please seek help from qualified therapist or speak to others and research on the internet. You will see you are not alone.
Whitedove
| | | | Cathe Douglas cathed | Signed on: Sat 07 Aug 2010 23:05:59 EST
Hello. My name is Cathe Douglas and I want to tell you about a competition by the Guggenheim Museum and YouTube. It is called "Play" (www.YouTube.com/play) and I believe that it is an amazing opportunity for all survivor artists.
We could all unite and become a powerful force that will end the abuse of children around this world for once and for all. We can take on the systems that have permitted these atrocities against children to continue. Please feel free to view my video submission (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_QOAFo0IVeM) to the Guggenheim. Remember that it is a narrative, so turn up the sound.
Thanks for taking the time to read this and to share this with your network and I look forward to meeting artists in October, 2010 in New York City.
Cathe Douglas | | | | Stacie | Signed on: Sun 11 Jul 2010 00:21:53 EST
I was first assaulted five years ago and still today, I can picture it vividly. I was 17 years old when I was assaulted. The most shameful part of it was....... my attacker was my second cousin, who was 32 years old at the time. My mom and her feiance were out of town on a business trip. My baby sister who was two at the time, myself, and him were the only ones home. My sister was asleep in the other room and we had just sat down to watch a movie. During the movie, the began rubbing my back, which I didn't really mind b/c he was a massage therapist and would frequently give me and my family massages. During the middle of it, something didn't feel right. I didn't feel comfortable about the way he was touching me and I asked him to stop. He stopped, but would periodically try to do it again. I got up to move to the other end of the couch, when I did...... he grabbed me and pulled me back down. He began trying to kiss me and I struggled to pull away. When I did, It just enraged him and the started groping me and trying to undress me. I kicked him and almost got to my feet, but I wasn't strong enough to keep him off. He ripped my clothes from me and raped me for what felt like hours! Nothing would make him stop! I screamed, kicked, and cried, but nothing helped! When he finished.... he had the nerve to ask me if I was alright......... HOW DARE HE!!!!!!! I lived out in the middle of nowhere at the time, and didn't have a car, there was no way to escape. Later that night my mom came home and I couldn't bare to tell her what had happened. I had her take me to a friends house for the night. Where I broke down and confessed to them everything that had happend. My friend gave me the strength to beable to go to the hospital, where I had an exam done and some people from the local crisis center and a police investigator came and spoke with me. He was arrested the next morning and I felt a sigh of relieve, but it was short lived. He bonded out the very next morning. I couldn't go home, I didn't know what to do! We lived in another state at the time, so all of my other family was so far away. I decided it was best that I went to stay at the crisis center in the next town. I thought it was all over, atleast until court........... BUT I WAS SO VERY WRONG! After being there for about a month. I began to feel safe there. There was a carnival in town one afternoon, and I was SO SICK of being cooped up inside a building. I decided to go. I walked right down the road to the carnival and tried to enjoy myself for the afternoon. Before leaving, I went to the ladies room at the park where the carnival was. I wasn't in there but just a second when I heard someone behind me. I turned around to see him standing there behind me. He told me if I screamed that he would kill me! He said that I would pay for having him arrested, and ....(something I have failed to mention..... when he raped me the first time..... I found out that I had gotten pregnant. I was scared to death! I under NO cercomstances belive in abortion, but I don't believe that i could have raised the child either)..... he said that it wouldn't do me any good to testify against him, b/c with no evidence... meaning he was going to kill the child that was growing in me.... that he would not be convicted. He kept me conscious while he raped me again, then knocked me out. When I woke up, I was in the hospital. He had beat me so bad that I didn't even recognize my own self. The worst of it was, the doctor said he used what looked like from the wounds to be a large butcher knife and cut me from the inside out several, several times. It took me almost three months in the hospital to recover from the damage that had been done physically. I had not even begun to recover psychologically! After recovering from that assault I moved as far away as I possibly could. I only went back to testify against him and put his sorry a** in prison!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That is my story! I am terribly sorry if it was so graphic. I tried to leave out some of the more graphic details and just tell the ones that were the most important. GOD BLESS YOU ALL WHO HAVE HAD TO SUFFER THROUGH ANY KIND OF ASSAULT! I KNOW THE PAIN AND TRAUMA THAT IT CAUSES! MAY GOD HEAL YOU AND PROTECT YOU!!!!!!!!!!
Admin's Comment: May you find peace and understanding.
Thanks for posting your story.
Whitedove | | |
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